Cycle of Life… ?
The universe sending a message… ?
Everyone has their own opinions, values and experiences when it comes to the taboo subjects of pregnancy. Some people have very strong opinions on Abortions and I hope one day, more people will understand the reasons, the emotions and the conflict within yourself that comes with making a decision like this. We are not killers.
I had my first abortion when I was 16 years old, it is something I look back at now and know within myself I did make the right decision. My boyfriend at the time was more then okay with it, and as for myself I was not ready, I was extremely unstable, I was on drugs, I was in a physically & emotionally abusive relationship and I was not emotionally capable or old enough to bring a baby into this world.
My parents knew, and stood behind me, my mum guiding me through the process and even coming out with a secret of her own that she shared with my dad. My dad was a bit more harder to get through, you see he was adopted and without his biological mother’s decision, he, my siblings and myself would not have been possible, in saying that he also understood what adoption can do to a person’s mind, he had struggled all his life with why he was adopted, why wasn’t he loved enough to keep? why was he not good enough? It led him down a destructive path, he dreamed of the big loving happy family and he achieved this although he still had doubt about his existence every day of his life and felt like he was never good enough.
Did I ever think of adoption for this baby? Yes. Of course I did, I thought of adoption, I thought of the loving home my baby could have gone, I also think adoption is great and saves a lot of lives, My dad was adopted, and I have two beautiful adopted cousins but was this option for me? Was this option something I could live with the rest of my life knowing I have a child out there that I failed to provide for? That I failed to love? That I failed to protect? What if this child ended up in foster homes? bad ones? What if this child ended up growing up into a toxic home with no love? What if this child was abused, raped? Could I live my life knowing of these possibility’s ? No. So I chose the only option that I mentally could survive. Abortion.
My second abortion was much like the first, Although this time I was 17 years old. Same situation, same boyfriend, same lifestyle, same thoughts and of course as you can see where this is going.. same decision. Did I go through the same emotions? Yes, but worse. This time I changed my mind, the guilt overcoming me. I wanted to keep my baby, but out of guilt, out of trying to keep an abusive toxic relationship alive. My mum was understanding and gave me all the pro’s and con’s, there was SO much to think about..I was on drugs, this baby would be a drug baby, I’m not talking about Ice or Meth but pot, the green leaf but drugs are drugs right? What type of life would I be bringing this baby into? So again, I chose the only option that I mentally could survive. Abortion.
When it comes to this, when it comes to these types of decisions there is no right or wrong, I really believe it comes down to the decision of life, health, mental health and your own personal values. My choice’s do not mean I am a bad person, My choice’s don’t mean I don’t think of them, Even though I made those choices I still think of them all the time, I see my niece and nephews and think of what my own children would look like, would be like? There eye colour, the way their hair would fall or spike up, what would their personality’s be? Would they be shy like myself, or outgoing and the life of the party?
I am allowed to think of them, I didn’t make those choices easily or lightly.
I am not perfect, and I make choices in my life not everyone agrees with, this is post about the taboo, a post about someone’s real life choices, real life problems trying to overcome and make the best decisions I possibly can. I am no saint and I am not a sinner, I make decisions when they arise based on the life I am in, the life I am living. I always said after my second abortion if I were to fall pregnant again there would be no second option, I would 100% without a doubt keep the baby, no matter the circumstance. But, that’s the thing about life, it’s so easy to say this and say that but when it comes down to it, when it does happen you are never fully prepared.
I fell pregnant my the third time in Sept 2018, well fuck. My boyfriend? Amazing. Drugs & drinking ? Sometimes, I am still young. Stable jobs ? Yes. Home? Perfect. Relationship? Loving, caring & full of light. I still freaked the fuck out. We came to the decision as a couple to abort. I mean was I really actually ready? My partner is also 3 years younger then me, did this play a part? Yes. My dad was dying, I was his part time carer, how the hell was I suppose to look after my dying dad and a baby?
My partner and I were both beside ourselves, were we being irrational? were we being stupid? Were we jumping into this decision as we were too scared? yes , yes, yes. Neither of us told any family members. We booked into the clinic and set out the path that could either destroy us or make us stronger.. but the world works in mysterious ways.. they could not find the baby, and that right there was my mind made up, I was to keep this baby, clearly I was to early for the baby to show up on the scan right? My baby had been saved. Because that choice, that decision made out of irrational thinking and being to scared to face what was happening, would have absolutely broken us both.
After a week of being incredibly happy, I was booked in for another scan, still no baby.. My dad? rushed to hospital. My dads life? Saved. for now. My baby? Miscarried. Was this karma? Was this world saying No, your first choice was to abort, you don’t deserve this baby? Was this the universe keeping a life and taking a life dearest to me? Did I lose the baby because my first motherly instinct at the beginning was to abort? Was this a test from the universe to see if I was really ready? Did I lose this baby so my dad could spend a few more weeks on this earth, As my first thought was I needed to look after him not a baby? Or was this something the universe took away from me as I had taken it away twice before already? I will never know. And just like the first two pregnancy’s, I think of this baby all the time.
Whatever the reason, I know it’s the right one. Everything happens the way it should, when it should. I forgive myself for the choices I made, As I know in my heart they were the best choices for me at the time. I forgive other’s for not understanding or looking down at my decisions, Everyone is entitled to their values and opinions just like I am. The universe will send me exactly what I need, when I need it and everything in between, is just apart of my growth and journey.
I wrote this with pen & paper back in March 2019. Little did I know, as I was writing this, the universe again was sending me something I had no idea about… I ended up finding out I was Pregnant in April 2019. 6 Months after my miscarriage, 5 Months after my dad passed. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl, Due 11th DEC. My dads Birthday? The 1st DEC. Balance? Sometimes, you cannot have new life without death.